1. How did you become so passionate about helping parents who are concerned about their young adult’s or teen’s substance use?
I discovered my daughter was addicted to crystal meth in 2005. It was a shocking discovery, one that I wasn’t expecting. For several years, my oldest son was dependent on marijuana, and that was problematic as well.
Once substance use had affected our family, I became interested in the topic. It was frustrating to learn that so many families had teens or young adults who were struggling with substance use. It’s such a major issue for so many people, and yet there was not and still is not enough being done to help. More awareness continues to be needed.At that time, I was an educator teaching fourth grade. It was humbling to realize that, while I was helping parents get their children ready for middle school, my children were involved in drug use.Soon after, I was at a point in my life where I had stopped teaching and was ready for a new project. I wanted to help others. I didn’t want other parents to feel as helpless as I did when I realized my children were using substances.
I started my website in 2011 and wrote a blog article on substance use every week. Next, I decided I wanted to connect with parents more personally. I trained to become a certified parent coach. I also became a volunteer with the Partnership to End Addiction.The timing couldn’t have been better. The Partnership launched a new CRAFT training with the Center for Motivation and Change. I was invited to be in the first-weekend training in New York, which was exciting. That was a turning point for me. I realized from the training that there are options for families. There were tools that parents could put in place to help their children be more willing to change.
2. How do you recommend parents or family members communicate when they suspect their loved one is using substances?
The main thing is to take a breath and stay calm. It can help you find ways to regulate your emotions because there are many ups and downs with substance use. Rather than worrying about what will happen next, it is more helpful to take care of yourself to stay resilient.It is easy to get sucked into the negativity of your child’s situation. Many of us have found ourselves confronting or yelling at our kids when we find out that they are using substances. Yet, yelling at them pushes them further away and often makes them want to continue to use drugs or alcohol.
The words that we use when talking to our sons or daughters can make a difference in the relationship. It can be the difference between whether they are willing to consider a change or not.When you change how you interact with your teen or young adult, they pick up on it. If you start communicating in a more positive, nice way, you’ll have a better chance of having a conversation instead of a fight. It can also help to ask your child if it’s a good time for a conversation. If you come in demanding to talk to them, they will often feel attacked and get defensive. Instead, create an environment where there is curiosity, no judgment, and an exploration of what is going on. When you ask them about having a conversation, you can let them know that talking together will help you both because you won’t feel the urge to go through their things or constantly worry. It will help you both feel less insane about the situation.
You may feel hard-pressed to find something positive to say when your child makes bad choices. Look for opportunities in every situation. Think beyond the drug use to their positive qualities and focus on those as often as possible. Consider how you can turn a negative into a positive.
You don’t have to be obvious about weaving positivity into your conversations. It can be done under the radar. Your approach can be subtle and have a significant impact. Positive communication is a good life skill that you can use with any family member.Yet, when substance use is an issue, getting laser focused on your child can help them be more willing to consider recovery. Everything can move in a better direction when family members keep the conversation positive.
3. Can you explain a bit about the CRAFT approach and where people can turn for more information about how to help their child or loved one?
Addiction is tough, not just on your struggling son or daughter, but on those who care for them, especially parents. Watching a child deteriorate from substance use is devastating. Also, parents and family members feel afraid and often uncertain about what to do.
The Community Reinforcement and Family Training Approach (CRAFT) provides tangible skills that help promote change. With these tools, parents receive a sense of empowerment. The approach helps families address substance use problems. The approach is collaborative, practical, and research-based. CRAFT teaches self-management skills that include how to engage with positivity, optimism, and compassion. These skills can shift relationship dynamics and motivate positive change.Dr. Robert Meyers developed CRAFT. The approach is currently practiced by the Center for Motivation and Change and many other therapists, coaches, and family members.
CRAFT is a set of very positive strategies. The approach can help you support your son or daughter, especially when they do not want to change.
You learn new ways to interact with your loved one (positive communication skills). It supports the family as a positive force trying to deal with a complicated situation as best they can.
CRAFT shows us that kindness, collaboration, positive reinforcement, and appropriate limit-setting are all part of real change.
More information about CRAFT, my online course, Regain Your Hope, is available to walk you through the CRAFT concepts. I have a new book, The Compassion Antidote, coming out in March, which shares many of the CRAFT ideas. The book can be preordered now. I also offer a free consultation for any parents who are concerned about their teen or young adult.
Parents can explore my CRAFT page on my website that lists the CRAFT publications and has articles and more information about CRAFT.