This Time…
Upon learning about two more young people overdosing and dying during these past couple of weeks, I feel gut-punched and devastated…two more people from two more families. We are on track to surpass last year’s numbers. There have already been 466 confirmed overdose related deaths in Connecticut so far this year…too many, too soon.
TriCircle always says, “Where there is life, there is HOPE (Hold on Pain Ends).” This acronym works somewhat better while your loved ones are still alive and struggling with their addictions. As painful as it is to watch, at least you can hold on to the hope, that this time it might work, that this time it might be different……that somehow in the next 24 hours something will shift, something will click…THIS TIME!
We all try to offer the best we can in any given moment. We offer it, and then we find that the best we can offer continues to change over time as we ride the rollercoaster of life with its ups and downs, living through life’s circumstances as they are, living life on life’s terms. Most of the time, I’m looking in from the outside of the circle, the supportive dynamic or family. We onlookers do everything in our power to help. We encourage, we talk and listen through the rough spots, we provide resources, make phone calls, we offer transportation, perhaps food and shelter and we even lie awake at night worrying, crying, offering prayers for their wellbeing and envisioning the day when a loved one emerges whole and healed. All the while, we watch as those who surround their loved one try to dispel their worst fears, they try desperately to stay in the Hope & Support Group instead of tragically qualifying for entry into the Hope After Loss Group.
Then the loved one is poisoned, accidentally or unintentionally, and they overdose and die. Or, they may have experienced a drug induced suicide, or they may even have been murdered because they were leading an addictive lifestyle. You receive word, you get “the call” and you sit there stunned, aching and wishing you could turn back time, wondering if there was something more you could have said or done, thinking you might just wake up and it would all just be a nightmare. Then, in my case as a bystander, I watch as the heartbroken family gathers together, collects photos to make a collage, writes an obituary, plans a service, notifies friends and relatives. Feeling helpless, I sometimes deliver food or baked goods, because I don’t know what else to do. As time passes, the commotion dies down and the people who surrounded these families in their “time of need” go back to their busy lives. I can only imagine that perhaps their greatest time of need is long after the commotion dies down, after everyone is gone, after the service, after the reception, after the noise subsides. The tidal wave of emotions that started with that phone call will continue for the families and close friends of the loved one lost for all of time as they embark on the ever so slow, grief stricken, heartbreaking journey of reframing their futures without that loved one physically nearby. Where is the hope in that?
There are so many people I know who have been forced, too soon, to reach down deep into their souls, to their core beliefs, to their understanding about what happens when we die. Trying to create something to grab onto, some kind of sense out of a senseless reality. If we believe there is something more than what we experience here on this planet, then, perhaps there is hope after all, even in death.
Not everyone believes the same things, and amidst these tragedies everything we do believe may come into question. But in order to move into another minute, hour, day, unimaginably another year of life, there needs to be something to hold onto, a new kind of hope, a hope that may provide a little light for people who feel paralyzed by their new reality. Something different to help them move forward. HOPE…Hold On Pain Ends may be a misnomer after all, because the pain of losing a loved one never ends, it just grows different. It is turned into something else. Being literally forced to endure the pain of a profound loss gives rise to a new kind of HOPE that emerges and grows slowly…perhaps a better acronym is Hold On Pain Evolves.
To Evolve in the dictionary is an action word, a verb meaning developed gradually, especially from a simple to a more complex form. It seems fitting then, when complete darkness and despair meets with a speck of light, a spark grows into a flame…HOPE.
I will never be able to say I completely understand. However, I can say, I can’t imagine how it feels. Then, I can stand alongside a person or a family who is only just beginning their grief journey. I can create resources to help people with like experiences come together in a non-judgmental environment. To offer a safe space where they can remember their loved ones and share with each other their journey, their loss and what they feel and know to be true in their hearts.
Stating our beliefs can sometimes be perceived as somewhat self-righteous, however, there is so much to learn from others when we listen with open minds. It is important to talk about what we believe, and I am certain the healing process demands it. I think it is just as important to talk about how we feel as human beings on earth, here in this life, as it is to talk about the hereafter…I feel strongly that I won’t be free until I have completely re-emerged into the wholeness and fullness of the source energy that we all call so many different things. If this is true, then when I transition, when I experience death, how could I do anything but rejoice in the new view from a vantage point that is our birthright – that is everything I could ever hope for? It is the substance of my life, my purpose, my truth, my hope, and my knowing.
Together WE are Stronger!
(Originally published in TriCircle’s Newsletter, August 2024)